Becoming an Expat for a S.O?

Just over two years ago I decided to take a gamble and briefly move to South Korea in an attempt to continue my relationship with my then boyfriend. While there were also many other factors that helped me decide in making this jump, he was definitely one of the main reasons why I chose to take the opportunity to try expat life. That being said my relationship did end up failing quite early in my experience. This didn’t necessarily ruin my time in Korea, but it did lead me to share some of my thoughts on anyone considering to make this big leap of faith with their non-marital relationship. Keep in mind my goal is neither to discourage or encourage one’s decision, but simply to keep these points in mind when considering your options.

First thing to ask yourself, what are your expectations when moving to this new country? Are you going to be working, going to school, or staying at home waiting for your significant other (S.O) to return from their activities? Are you expecting to be financially dependent on your S.O and family members, or are you going to be independent? It is important to come to terms with the fact that you won’t be able to go back into the same routine you had in your home country. You need to picture how you will be spending a majority of your time with or without your S.O. While you are choosing to move for them, remember that they will be moving due to work, education, or numerous other reasons. Your S.O will rightfully have their own schedule not centered around you. Do not depend on them to entertain you during your stay. It is unfair and rather unrealistic to expect your S.O to spend all their time with you. Try to go over your qualifications or research requirements you may need when choosing your options. Minimally plan for a one year commitment to put things into perspective. Regardless if you are only planning to spend 6 months or 10 years in the country, 1 year will give you a sense of how you want to spend your time there.

Often getting a job in a foreign country has many more requirements for their potential foreign applicants. This is an extremely common law for most countries. It is rare for any country to freely handout working visas without any qualifications. Even getting a job as an English teacher, while not always needing a teaching degree, can have various requirements in order to be considered. Most importantly, you must have some level of passion for what you will be doing. This is because you will be most likely doing this career for many years before moving on to something else. Never choose a job because you think it will be simple and easy. As a foreigner, things that maybe considered simple, can end up being more difficult due to a language barriers. Factors such as wages, housing logistics, travel fees, and contractual obligations are all things you need to consider before even applying. You could freelance from home, however I would recommend checking labor laws in the host country you plan on living in. I would also deter this option as you will miss out on many social and in-person networking opportunities.
In my case I choose to apply and become a Guest English Teacher with EPIK (English Program in Korea). I was fortunate enough to be accepted into the program and spent two years working with two middle schools located in the countryside of Korea. You can refer to my experiences in the future posts below:
EPIK application process – LINK
Teaching in the countryside – *TO BE POSTED*

Education is a good alternative if you are looking to develop a new skill or finish off a degree. This is especially useful if you are able to dedicate your time on learning the native language of the country you decided to move to. However the downside is that financially you will be at the mercy of whoever is kind enough to help sponsor your studies. This could be from your own family or your S.O. In an ideal world you could have saved a significant amount of money to be able to afford to study with little need of assistance, but this is an unlikely scenario. Some countries do allow students to work as long as they have the correct visas. I would not depend on this option as most part-time jobs are incapable of fully funding the average student’s life style completely. Depending on where you are able to apply to will also effect you logistically. Luckily you will most likely be living in major cities and networking with various people around the world. There will be a momentary language barrier, but you will all be working hard together to establish some level of communication!
Gaining an education was definitely my back-up option if I was unable to obtain a teaching career. There is a lot of value in learning a different language fluently. Also, being able to meet people around the same age as you from various different countries is incredibly beneficial.

The last option, to stay at home and wait for your S.O, lacks the in-person social opportunities the previous two options had. Understandably there are some people who don’t mind this kind of situation, perhaps this is even ideal. However most people do crave some sort of communication with a variety of different people. “Home” can slowly turn into a cage of some sorts after a while. In most cases you also grow very dependent on your S.O, financially and/or socially. Your life can quickly start to revolve around them. For some people this can grow into resentment due to feeling trapped. While we do have the Internet to help maintain some sort of communication with the outside world or gain financial independence, it isn’t always enough for certain individuals. Minimally look into in-person clubs and activities with other foreigners in your area if you are able to. It is extremely important to create some sort of support network when you live outside your home country.
It is important to note that if you decide to mainly stay home, your S.O should be helping or encouraging you to spend time outside of your shared space. Under no circumstances should your home become a prison due to a S.O preventing you from leaving. Note that staying home doesn’t necessarily always point towards an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Some countries or territories are quite dangerous for people, especially women, to leave their homes on their own. However someone cutting you off from any interactions is huge red flag. Consider this option very carefully, and ideally not at all.

The last thing to ask yourself is, “do you have an exit plan in case things don’t work out?” Regardless if you have plans to marry the person whom you are moving for, things do happen! It is always important to come to terms with the fact that relationships can end at anytime. Will you be able to handle a break-up without your usual support network in a foreign country? Are you capable of supporting yourself financially should you be cut off from their funds? Everyone needs some sort of safety net, but this is especially important if you live outside your home country. Not to mention the emotional aspect of the break-up. Regardless if you instigated, are broken-up with, or had a mutual fall out, having little to no support network can be difficult. While Skype, Facebook Messenger, Whatsapp, and many other communication apps do help bridge the gap, it doesn’t always compare to having a physical person providing emotional support.
During my own break-up, I initially took it very hard. I didn’t feel betrayed or began resenting my Ex for my naivety. I did feel as though I forced the relationship to continue when it was meant to end. I was frustrated that my main support network was in Vancouver while I was stuck in Seoul. My “teaching” city was a good 4 hours away, meaning the friends I did make were unavailable on short notice. I ended up spending that weekend with my Ex, who took pity on my lack of physical support at the time. While it was frustrating, I did appreciate the fact he tried to make sure I was ok in the end. It would be a lie to say there weren’t any regrets, however I was able to separate my experience between my relationship and my expat life. In fact it lead me to extend my contract for an additional year, much to the surprise of many people.

So, is becoming an expat for an S.O necessarily a bad idea? The short answer is that it completely depends on the situation. In my opinion it does open up a lot of opportunities for growth, however it is important to be able to establish some sort of individuality. This could be through work, education, or hobby groups. If I had to give advice, find ways to separate your expat life from your S.O. This isn’t to say you should never move for an S.O. Look for opportunities to develop and grow as a person. No matter what happens during your expat life, your S.O cannot take away your individual experience or skills. If you are looking for a way to push yourself there is no better excuse than to move for a loved one. After all, sometimes it does work out, as I certainly wasn’t the only one who moved for an S.O during my time in Korea. Remember that it is a challenge. There is always an emotional and financial risk when moving for someone. If all this doesn’t frighten you, I would recommend taking that leap. It is risky, but regardless there will always be some sort of reward at the end of the day. However there is no shame in identifying that moving is not an option for you and split up on a high note. Be grateful of the time spent together and try to move on to the next relationship when you are able. No one can make your decisions for you and no one can stop you from growing.

Good luck!